Search for Happiness

How to be happy: Set aside specific times to think about the future
by Dr Cecilia D'Felice from the Independent UK

'I'm so busy dreading events on the horizon that it's preventing me from enjoying the present. These events are usually work-related and are never as bad as I think they are going to be, but dreading them has become an automatic reaction and it is ruining my life.'

Step 1: We can bring relief to dread- inducing thoughts by confronting and questioning habitual dysfunctional thinking, creating instead a constructive, nurturing internal dialogue. Ask yourself these four key questions: What evidence is there to support your worry? Look for evidence that both supports and refutes your current thinking; you are aiming for a realistically balanced view. Is there an alternative explanation? There are always different perspectives that are more helpful. What is the worst that could happen and can you live through it? We often over-dramatise events, which are rarely life-threatening. Finally, what is the best possible conclusion? This will help direct your thinking to a more balanced and realistic outcome.

Step 2: If you still find yourself worrying uncontrollably about future events, another technique is to set aside some "worry time". Making time to worry feels counter-intuitive if you are trying to minimise negative thinking, but worry breaks provide a structured way of managing and controlling the amount of time you spend ruminating. Write your preoccupations down in a worry log. Setting aside time which is both regular and time-limited places your thoughts in perspective. You will begin to see that these are only troublesome thoughts, not facts. Practised regularly, you will find that your anxieties will lose the power to frighten you. Reviewing the worry log will also help you acknowledge that most of your concerns haven't arisen and even if they have, you will have survived them.

Step 3: We all need reminding that both the past and the future are places that do not exist in reality and that what is real is now. The energy we have invested in staying attached to our anxieties could be used more constructively in engaging spontaneously with the present moment, lifting our mood and raising our self-esteem. The more consideration we can offer ourselves, the more we can see we are doing our best, even when it feels as though our best is not enough.

Work

How to be Happy: Put into work what you want to get out of it
by Dr Cecilia D'Felice
from the Independent UK

'I am feeling despondent about my career and I keep thinking that if I change my job, I will be much happier. But, to be honest, I always feel this way whatever job I have, so should I just give up working?'

Step 1: It is a common misconception that giving up work will make us feel better if we are feeling stressed or low. Those without work or meaningful endeavours are usually far more unhappy and unhealthy than those with. If there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the work you are doing, then it is your relationship to work that requires reflection.

Step 2: One of Freud's least controversial attributed claims was that love and work are all that matter. Being passionate about what we do makes work a pleasure, becoming an expression of the way we want to live our lives. Think about what it is you bring to work – not your lunch, but your attitude. Ask yourself what your expectations are: of yourself, your work and your future. Do you experience work as a place where you learn, develop skills and complete tasks with satisfaction? If not, find yourself a mentor, someone who you trust and admire, someone who demonstrably loves what they do, and ask them to teach you how to love what you do, too.

Step 3: It is all too easy to erode the important meaning that work gives us by endlessly complaining that we have to do it. For most of us, we do have to do it, so we might as well bring a little grace, dignity and good humour to it. Commit yourself to bringing to work all the qualities that you want to receive from it, such as creativity, goal achievement or caring for others. The more you embody these qualities, the more they will be reflected back on you. If you want trust, be trusting. If you want promotion, promote yourself and back it up with industry. If you long for innovation, be the first to be innovative; don't be afraid to take some risks. Be curious and spontaneous, and connect with your colleagues; witness how this can totally transform your day. As with all areas of life, the more we invest into the situation, the more we receive; it is a simple but true equation.

Aim for the Goal

How To Be Happy: Identify a goal that you can work towards
by Dr Cecilia d'Felice Chartered Clinical Psychologist
from the Independent Newspaper UK

Q. 'My life feels aimless and I seem to act on whims, which at the time feels freeing, but later just seems pointless. Can you suggest ways I can get more focus in my life.'

Step 1: One of the main attractions of whim-chasing is that delightful feeling of spontaneity that arises when we pursue a desire without really thinking about the consequences. Sometimes this can feel liberating and exciting, taking us to places we might never have otherwise experienced. Mindlessly following our impulses is often a defence against feeling controlled, which is understandable, given how little genuine freedom most of us experience in our lives.

Step 2: To help you become focused, instead of asking yourself "Why not?" when faced with an opportunistic moment, perhaps ask yourself "Why?" The "Why not?" question implies, as Erich Fromm intelligently states in The Art of Being, that we do things because there is no reason not to do it – which gives us a false sense of freedom. Following our urges can often be the result of a deep internal passivity combined with a need to deflect boredom. The more powerless we feel, the more likely we are to seek instant gratification in a quite arbitrary way, which makes it more difficult to develop authentic purpose in our lives.

Step 3: Once we have understood that acting capriciously does not represent genuine freedom we can begin to focus on our sense of purpose and aim, in Kierkegaard's words, "to will one thing". In willing something for ourselves, our energy is not split nor diminished but gains power and resolve as we pursue something meaningful and worthwhile. Identify for yourself one desired goal, something that is manageable and realistic. Break it down into smaller stages, then work towards each step, perhaps giving yourself a timeline to keep up the pace. Once you have accomplished this goal, savour it, then work towards another. Soon you will feel more in control, more authentically engaged in your life and less at the mercy of enactments that leave you feeling empty. You will also feel less ambivalent and more autonomous and passionate in the way you live, which ultimately will always be more rewarding than moments of fleeting self-gratification.